Archive for the ‘Sandra Walston’s STUCKThinking™ courage blog’ Category

The word “courage” seems to be such a “big” word in our culture since it is frequently associated with sensationalism and tragic circumstances; yet, it simply means, “heart.” On the extreme, courage is associated with the whistle blowers witnessed at WorldCom and Enron.

Too me, “simply courage” is best quoted by Robert Louis Stevenson: “Everyday courage has few witnesses. It is no less noble because no drum beats and no crowds shout your name.” How often do you witness every day courage?

In 2012, would you be willing to embrace the etymology of the word and claim courage in your life? If so, here are four myths about courage in the workplace to jumpstart your: understanding:

Myth #1: Most people display courage at work. Demonstrating courage in the workplace is a lot like implementing ethical standards — most people tend to follow. In recent years, loads of stories surfaced about employees being told to do something unethical and then doing it in spite of the obvious issues. When the opportunity arises for you stand on the strength of you courage, do you fall on your sword or cross swords? Case in point: a woman working at a hospital noticed a peer reducing the number of procedures required to disinfect and sterilize surgical utensils. If you are that woman, will you be the whistleblower?  

Myth #2: People demonstrate courage through amazing feats of heroism. Most people believe firefighters and police officers are heroes. They were called heroes during 9/11. However, ask these professionals if they think of themselves as heroes and they will say, “No, I am trained to do my job. If you call 911 it’s a day from hell for you, not me.” Most people are not “heroes,” but we seem to associate only heroes with having courage. Certainly the hijacked 9/11 passengers who sacrificed their lives demonstrated heroism. However, everyday courage does not revolve around amazing acts of heroism, even though we pay tribute to these types of heroism more than we practice everyday courage. Everyday courage is what empowers us to ask for a raise when it is long overdue.

Myth #3: Courage leadership development in business is easy. If the goal is to implement a courageous culture, company executives must lead by example. It’s the same with quality control, risk-management and diversity. Courage leadership in business means managing with courage the paradoxes that occur. For example:

1. If I tell my boss we’ve understated our debt by a billion dollars, I lose my job. If I don’t tell my boss, I may face prison.

2. Are you given assignments that don’t make sense? What do you do? (This example tends to be more prominent the higher up the ladder one goes.)

3. If people are empowered with courage, then how do I stop them or control them?

Myth #4: Past generations had an easier time being courageous because the work environment was less complicated. Florence Nightingale, Golda Meir and Victoria Woodhull would all argue that point. Florence Nightingale worked 20-hour days in a filthy Turkish war hospital in order to reform British healthcare. Golda Meir overcame poverty, racist violence and sexism to become a respected world leader. Victoria Woodhull escaped a “white trash” upbringing and fought abusive Victorian “values” to fight for women’s rights and run for theU.S. presidency. The women of every generation face serious obstacles, which is why courageous behaviors in the workplace must be promoted. Courageous workplace behaviors include admitting mistakes at the first opportunity; speaking up with candor and grace in difficult situations; challenging the status quo; and creating a culture that commends instead of blames.    

Sandra Ford Walston is known as The Courage Expert and innovator of StuckThinking™. She is an organizational effectiveness consultant, speaker, trainer and courage coach. She is the internationally published author of bestseller COURAGE The Heart and Spirit of Every Woman (2001), the follow-up book STUCK 12 Steps Up the Leadership Ladder (2010) and the recently released FACE IT! 12 Obstacles that Hold You Back on the Job (2011). She is certified in the Enneagram and MBTI®. Please visit www.sandrawalston.com.

Follow me on Twitter @courageexpert and Facebook

Watch this YouTube: Courageous Leadership

© Sandra Walston

All Rights Reserved

“In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal
more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich.
It is very easy to overestimate the importance of our own achievements
in comparison with what we owe others.” – Dietrich Bonhoeffer*

Every day is a day to be grateful. Are you too busy, or will you be grateful only when what you have is gone? Start your list with “I am grateful” and let it brew for thirty days.

I Am Grateful
•  I am grateful for those enlightened souls whose contributions create a shift in world consciousness.
•  I am grateful for those who display basic values of social grace.
•  I am grateful for the holy moments that appear when I stop to be present to the beauty that surrounds me.
•  I am grateful to know that new possibilities are waiting to be embraced.
•   I am grateful for the people who take the time to give compliments and statements that en-courage the spirit.
•  I am grateful for the people who do not breach agreements.
•  I am grateful for the risk-takers that apply personal courage to confront ill-will with good will.
•  I am grateful for the sacrifices made by teachers, artists, healers and peacemakers.
•  I am grateful for the small, unnoticed courageous acts the everyday person does every day for they are the unsung stories that do not make the emotional media headlines.
•  I am grateful for the concessions people choose to do to advance unconditional love.
•  I am grateful when my speech is infused with kindness.
•  I am grateful I am able to acknowledge when I was wrong and say, “Please forgive me.”
•  I am grateful that I can distinguish that my life is precious and fleeting.
•  I am grateful for the times I am present to the presence of another human spirit.
•  I am grateful for readership.
•  I am grateful for lovingkindness.

Will you accept my request to jot down for thirty days what you are grateful for? Happy New Year 2012!

* Dietrich Bonhoeffer born February 4, 1906 – April 9, 1945 was a theologian, a spiritual writer, a musician, a pastor, and an author of poetry and fiction. The integrity of his Christian faith and life, and the international appeal of his writings, have received broad recognition and admiration, all of which has led to a consensus that he is one of the theologians of his time whose theological reflections might lead future generations of Christians into creating a new more spiritual and responsible millennium. Dietrich Bonhoeffer was a German theologian famous for his stand against Adolf Hitler and the Nazi party. His beliefs and convictions ultimately cost him his life in a Nazi concentration camp.  

Being mindful of defining moments
Being passed over for a promotion, not receiving a fair raise, being spoken down to, or having your boss publicly reprimand you are a few examples of career defining moments. Recognizing these workplace incidents is the first step to reclaiming your courage.

Unfortunately, many women misinterpret these moments and respond in defeating ways when the correct choice would be to declare their courage. Preferring to tiptoe through these situations they may believe these types of issues are “part of the job,” or they may feel that in some way they deserved the unfair treatment. They become the martyr in order to keep the peace or maintain the status quo, which ultimately stifles their courage further.

If you have difficulty recognizing the defining moments in your own workday, ask yourself which events make you upset, angry, uncomfortable, embarrassed, or cause you to acquiesce. Chances are those are the times you will want to display your newfound courage.

Facing the ultimate truth
When you determine a defining moment is occurring, you can “step up” and take control. By doing so, you’ll be able to face the truth of the situation and do something about it, whether that means confronting a supervisor or rectifying a situation with a customer. If you don’t take the appropriate actions, you’re holding yourself back from achieving your professional best.

One sure way to take control of your future is to begin searching for a new opportunity especially if your current position doesn’t correspond to your principles. All too often, women assume that finding a new job will be difficult, so they remain complacent, mistakenly believing—or simply hoping—that things will change. Yet, in reality, situations seldom change by themselves. They only change when you take the initiative to make the situation better. To show courage, decide when it’s time to face the truth or prompt a change, and then be eager to discover the next opportunity, and step up.

Holding yourself accountable
Courageous women are 100 percent responsible for how they design their lives. This includes taking credit for accomplishments when merited. When receiving a promotion or a pay raise, women have a tendency to say, “Oh, thank you for this opportunity.” This is not courage. A truly courageous woman responds to the promotion or initiates a pay raise by stating the qualities and strengths they bring to the table and describing how they intend to use those talents to better the company’s results or the project at hand. 
 
Overcoming limitations by changing your “courageous will”
Finally, women everywhere can foster courage by gaining control over the blueprint that governs their belief system. Being “lady-like” is one societal perception deeply imbedded in the psyche of our culture. The woman is focused on others and is reserved, supportive, considerate, and compliant. Such limited aspirations paralyze women and cause them to flounder about in the traditional deep-rooted definition of courage: being physical, daring, or representing valor. A woman’s desire to be “accepted” can undermine her personal demonstrations of feminine courage.

How can you change your courageous will? Look for female role models that display workday courage. Role models are imprints for change; they light the path. As more women recognize and subscribe to the behaviors of courage, such notions will no longer be deemed unusual. Other women will be encouraged to display their courage, and their collective behaviors will ease or even erase the idea that “by nature, women are not courageous.” When women work together to advance courage in the workplace, they find the strength and determination to hurdle the daily workday challenges that confront them. Eventually, the unsung stories of courage and the current denigrating of courageous women will be replaced by an acceptance and admiration of courage in women just as it is in men.

(Or Are You Just Demonstrating Feminine Courage)?

Few women regard facing an average workday as a courageous feat. Why? Traditionally, only facing fear under perilous circumstances is labeled courageous. Running into a burning building to save a pet, pushing a pedestrian out of the way of a speeding car, or tackling a robber in flight are readily accepted instances of courageous action. So do you demonstrate at work feminine courage?

Courage actually has a much deeper meaning and a more relevant role in today’s business world, especially for women. Let’s consider some very real possibilities:

• A woman has been passed over for a promotion and is upset. How can she find the courage to speak up and state her qualifications?
• A woman has made an error in a corporate proposal for a customer. How can she find the courage to be vulnerable and admit her mistake?
• A woman learns she has an illness that might jeopardize her career. How can she face her fear and summon the courage to affirm her determination?

While none of the above examples are perilous, life-threatening events in the typical sense, they are all common occurrences that challenge women and test their courage every day. When women exhibit courage in the workplace, whether it is speaking up to express an unpopular viewpoint or taking a professional risk to take on a project no one else wants, they tap into a valuable personal reserve. 

Courageous women “step up” to the next level. In other words, “She who hesitates before each step spends her life on one leg.” As a result, they process choices more quickly and take action more readily. They design their lives applying courage actions skills rather than letting outside influences dictate who they are or what they should be.

It is important to remember that to fully understand the importance of a woman’s courage in the workplace, we must first go back to the word’s origin. The word “courage” comes from the French word corage, meaning heart and spirit. What’s your definition of courage? Throughout history, women such as Gold Meir, Katherine Graham and Helen Keller have always acted from their hearts, but male notions of courage as heroic have diminished recognition of feminine courage. This must stop because these workplace losses accumulate, obscuring an equal playing field for women and causing them to doubt their own courage. Without this vital virtue, a key part of a woman’s spirit is lost.

Unfortunately, when working women do demonstrate the behaviors of courage, they’re commonly labeled with some unflattering word to keep them “in their place.” How often has this happened to you? For example, on a performance review, they may receive comments such as “too strong,” “too determined,” “too driven,” or “too aggressive.” In other words, “too big for their britches.” The irony is that for men, these descriptions are often desirable, but for women, such adjectives are viewed as negative. However, these stereotypical limitations can actually benefit women by inspiring them to increase their courage quotient by acknowledging and honoring their individual courageous behaviors. When a woman learns to uphold her courageous nature in the workplace, she can gain the equality that has been eluding her.

Discernment means a time to reflect or stop in order to distinguish between differences or perceptions. There are numerous discernment definitions on the Web. Discernment in Wikipedia means “to describe the process of discerning God’s will for one’s life.” As a practicing contemplative, for me it means being able to respond to my highest “courageous will” (as Spirit intended). Coming from one’s courageous will is easier said than done. Regardless of your discernment definition a concrete exercise can come in handy to reveal your courage.

One of the exercises I learned in a Nine Month Contemplative course I took in 2008 required us take a lined piece of paper and divide vertically the paper in half. At the top of the page write: “What are the advantages and disadvantages of my …” (such as letting go of a dysfunctional friend or seeking a new job during an economic downturn). On the right hand column at the top write “Advantages” and on the top left hand column write “Disadvantages.” Using bullets in each column, write down your thoughts for “Advantages” and “Disadvantages.” Using a new piece of paper, flow through the contemplative discernment exercise three different times in about 10 days (or less, depending on the need for a decision). This process allows you make the best choice given the set of circumstances.

Your sincere heart shows up during this journey allowing you to make wise judgments—judgments that hopefully in the long run do not surface in the form of regrets. I found this discernment process brought clarity to many questions I struggled with and inner peace was the outcome. With courageous intention you begin to discriminate on what you are called to be. You have discerned your true Self

May you be free to live up to your highest courageous will! Ask yourself: What would you do if you had unlimited courage?

I had an email from a woman that read: “I just landed a great job! For the first time, I negotiated my salary to my satisfaction. I didn’t give my talents away for fear of not being hired. At 48 years-old, I feel proud that I gave myself permission to be me. Why did it take me so long to become aware of my self-esteem? Why did I feel the need to silence my voice?”

Guess what? She’s not the only woman slow to awaken her self-esteem. I always ask clients: Have you given yourself permission to be as large, as powerful and as passionate as you really are? I’m not talking about your girth I’m talking about your mirth. I’m talking about your essence and depth of feeling. Or are you stuck in conditioned responses, such as “uncertainty scares me” or “I’m too old to learn something new?” Are these the scripts you’ve fastened on your life’s journey? If so, this is the opposite of courageous leadership. 

Many of my readers, corporate/association clients or coaching clients tell me that I have given them “permission to be themselves.” I have guided them to see that their courageous self, the one who feels deeply and hides it for fear of being judged or compared, is really okay. From that “real self” perspective, new insights about their inner passion and hidden wishes comes forth. This newfound courage and sense of freedom merges body, mind and spirit.

In many cases, the power of the person is different from the power of the visual persona we show the world. I don’t know where or when we were told that being who we are is in some way inappropriate or inadequate, but people don’t want an artifice. They want truth and honesty. Have you noticed in the media when someone is blatantly honest people are shocked whereas corruption, cheating or lying is accepted as an everyday happenstance?

Here are a few questions for you: Is there any difference between the ways you joke around and play in your kitchen with close friends than the way you are with your colleagues? Do you lose your sense of spontaneity and voice when you “step up” to reveal an opinion in a staff meeting? I certainly have, and if you do, I would request you begin the process of bringing your true self and your courage (meaning “heart and spirit”) closer together.

Give yourself permission to be yourself. Give yourself permission to say what you have been unwilling to say. Ask yourself:

• “What courageous conversation am I not having?”
• “What am I doing that I absolutely dislike?”

Maybe it’s time to be honest. No one ever went to their grave joyfully embracing all their accumulative regrets! Be courageous! Give yourself permission to take the next step up the leadership ladder.

Moral of the story: “He who hesitates before each step spends his life on one leg.” – Ancient Chinese Proverb

Learning a new skill, balancing work and family, or transitioning to a new industry is rarely celebrated as stories of courage. Everyday courage has been relegated to the mundane. Isn’t that a shame? We should be in awe of the heroes of amazing stories of courage…and of our neighbor’s everyday courage as well! Over the years I have gathered examples of what I call “amazing courage.” These types of stories are the antithesis of my extensive fourteen years of research. I focus on the footnotes of everyday people. Roman philosopher, Seneca, wrote “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”

• The word courage is interpreted more frequently in the media as the word heroic. CNN featured “Courage Under Fire” about the loss of naval personnel at the Pentagon during the annual review of September 11, 2002.
• Abraham Lincoln, Eleanor Roosevelt and Princess Diana are heroic images. Washington D. C. is a virtual shrine to heroes.
• The heroic actions of the United Airlines Flight 93 that crashed into a farmer’s field outside a small town in Pennsylvania, and the heroic responses we watched on television during the World Trade Center terrorist attack demonstrate contemporary examples.
• Even PGA golf tournament commentators refer to a challenging golf shot: “Tiger’s going for another courageous shot!” This statement implies risk-taking or “going for it.”
• The commentator for the Kentucky Derby on May 3, 2003 called the race a “Courageous race.” A quote from the movie “Sea biscuit says it all: “It’s never their feet; its right here” (points to his heart). The etymology of the word courage is Old French, corage, meaning “heart and spirit.” We saw courage actions by Penny Chenery Tweedy as she guided her long-shot but precocious stallion, Secretariat, in 1973 to win the Triple Crown.
• While many claim that courage and heroic are synonymous, using them as such does a disservice to the concept of courage. Firefighter Captain Mary agrees, “People notice heroes dealing with disaster and emergency responses. When a civilian dials 911 for help, it’s the worst day of his/her life. But, it’s no big deal to me. I don’t appreciate it when my career is integrated or associated with disasters much less heroism. I am a skilled professional doing my job.”
• Tori Murden McClure (who rowed the Atlantic Ocean solo) showed physical courage.
• Most of the time, courage is focused on fictional drama or soap opera sagas, unrelenting sorrow, sensationalism, famous people or the historical deceased; otherwise, they wouldn’t be on television, make history books or be featured on a PBS documentary. Great leaders have always acted from their hearts. For the rest of us, notions of courage as only extreme heroism diminish the opportunities to claim and display the heartfelt value of courage in us all.
• “Amazing Stories of Courage” was an Oprah Show that featured several non-gender vignettes about startling stories they deemed as courage. One example was overcoming leukemia and another was coping with life as a paraplegic after saving a child from a fatal accident. When the producer asked me to analyze her interviews based on my research, I found myself saying, “I never want these situations to happen to me or my loved ones.” Supporting and associating the word courage only with these types of images discount everyday actions in everyday people. I know, I am one of them!
• Christopher Reeves is a contemporary story of amazing physical courage. A spokesperson for the advancement of paraplegics walking, he was determined to walk again. To ensure we are informed about his progress and intent, his son produced a documentary called “Courageous Steps” for ABC television (9/18/02). Events of this magnitude challenge people to reexamine their entire lives and values.

As one of my dear friends shared, “Small steps accumulate into a big feat.” Thank you Polly for your heartfelt courage!

By Sandra Ford Walston, The Courage Expert

 WE ALL SEEM to feel the shifts of uncertainty that are occurring at multiple levels in our lives including our spirit. Acknowledging these feelings about how we live our lives will hopefully open up an opportunity to stop and reflect about our behavior patterns. Ask yourself: Are you stuck in denial, apathy, self-doubt or blame? If these few samples of obstacles to courage resonate with you, then you’re stuck in the past unable to embrace the major transitions going on in our culture. Please know that it has not been easy for me either nor did I listen when I heard the prediction that major changes were coming along with human suffering at all levels.

In October 2006 at my coaching conference in Colorado I heard scholar and author Richard Tarnas speak. He shared his research and predictions about the human suffering that was coming in 2008 and lasting through 2011. While my work focuses on understanding how StuckThinking™ keeps us from living in everyday courage, Richard writes in Cosmos and Psyche about living in delusion. “A state of delusion about one’s actual condition in the world is carefully maintained by filtering out and denying all information that might cast question on the validity of one’s rigidly protected belief system, thereby creating a closed feedback loop.” If you sense you are stuck in delusion about the changes going on then this is an opportunity to claim and apply your everyday courage. It is a time to start new beginnings (and for women to collectively come together). Richard continues with his predictions “…it seems altogether likely that another feminist propulsion will infuse itself into the culture and that women will emerge from the next decade and a half with considerable more political and economic power than now.”

Are you stuck in sorrow or blame or are you inviting new beginnings? Simply put: It takes everyday courage to come from your heart to face hardships without delusion. I would love for you to share your courage comments by emailing me at sandra@sandrawalston.com.

“Charms for the Easy Life” is a made-for-television movie about three women (played by Gena Rowlands, Mimi Rogers and Susan May Pratt) who defy gender roles during World War II. Gena Rowlands plays the role of a successful and astute holistic doctor without a medical license. If a patient died who was known for lying or deceitfulness, she would ask her granddaughter to look in the mouth of the deceased to see if this person had “purged” (“to rid of impurities, cleanse, purify, to rid, clear or free”). She explained that if saliva foamed around their mouth, they had purged everything out before passing. In other words, they had cleansed and purified themselves of false statements, lies and self-deceptions.

At the end of the movie, the granddaughter (Susan May Pratt) finds that her grandmother has passed on during the night. Curious about the old woman’s practices, the granddaughter immediately checks her grandmother’s mouth to see if she has purged. She finds no trace of saliva, indicating that the elderly woman had lived true to her word—she had no need for the last-minute purging like people who had lived deceitful lives. What truths flow out of your heart? Do they include any lingering regrets or elements of deceit?

Deceit rears its ugly head at work when you pretend you agree with your boss. Perhaps you feel that your opinions are devalued or sense that your principles lead you in a different direction than his/hers. Even this minimal level of deceit represents a choice not to act courageously by speaking your convictions and damages your own honesty. Instead of saying, “I really don’t want to do this,” or “I don’t agree with this procedure,” you will probably start thinking about how you do not want to burn bridges. But any degree of self-deceit will require purging at some point, and purging commonly takes place after you leave your job and realize that you “should” have left sooner than later. It takes a lot of effort to display the authentic Self at work.

Later, in one of my monthly courage e-zines I used the segment “Foaming at the Mouth.” I received an e-mail a few weeks later from Wendy who wrote, “I wanted to write to you telling you how much I appreciated receiving your newsletter last month—‘Foaming at the Mouth’. It made such an impact on me. I reread it numerous times and, in fact, it finally gave me the courage to speak my mind. I had been having a sore throat and almost laryngitis (imagine that) for quite a while and when I finally told my husband that I was tired of his using me and draining me financially and emotionally, and I am tired of living a lie. My throat ‘miraculously’ cleared up. Now my voice is strong both physically as well as emotionally. After allowing him to take advantage of me and my daughter for the last eight years, I am finally leaving. Not that it is something to be cheered on or celebrated, I am thankful that I am finally purging myself of ‘false statements, lies and self-deceptions’.”

I feel blessed that people write and tell me how my work experientially moved them to claim their courage. Wendy’s blinders to her courage were removed because she “allowed” courage to come into her life and have a revelation. A few months later I received another email from Wendy sharing how she is also pursuing a new career path that fits her skills and heart’s desire.

Sandra Ford Walston is known as The Courage Expert and innovator of StuckThinking™. She is an organizational effectiveness consultant, speaker, trainer and courage coach. She is the internationally published author of bestseller COURAGE The Heart and Spirit of Every Woman (2001), the follow-up book STUCK 12 Steps Up the Leadership Ladder (2010) and the recently released FACE IT! 12 Obstacles that Hold You Back on the Job (2011). She is certified in the Enneagram and MBTI®.

Follow me on Twitter @courageexpert and Facebook

© Sandra Walston

WORDS ARE POWERFUL.
They can help or hurt you. They can get you positive results or break your heart. Your words create your reality. When you speak, you engage in a performative act. Speaking is performing—meaning your can make something happen. Promises, requests, offers, or words to persuade are performances that provoke action. You use words as a means to get people to do things for you, endear yourself to people, make people like you, buy your services, or countless other motivations.

Hate speech can hurt you. Help speech can reshape your world and produce sustainable results. Your words, body language, and emotions form a triangle through which you interpret the world. By changing the interpretation of this triangle, you shift the resulting behavior and the effect. Simple statements, such as saying thank you more often and offering words of encouragement, have a positive effect on people. To boost productivity, use the word imagine. “How do you imagine this project progressing?” This engages people and decreases stress because creativity and curiosity are being generated, and people are motivated to speak up.

Another step to open up the lines of communication is to use requests and offers. For example, you can say, “Is there anything else I can offer you?” and “Do you have any other requests?” This allows people to open up and reveal the chatter in their head (or what they really want), thus providing transparency in communication and removing hesitancy to speak up. Encouraging people to communicate openly creates a positive culture and enables people to move out of inertia and display talents. Transparency—speaking directly to the point—gets results.

Be direct. When you speak directly, your communication hits the bulls-eye; no translation is needed.  Getting to this stage takes practice, courage, and the self-awareness to speak the truth in spite of inevitable criticisms. Take an active role by taking responsibility to hear the other person. Ask “you” questions to display an interest and other-centeredness: “What is your assessment of the situation?” Guard your tone. Take responsibility for how your language affects others. People often remember your words more than your actions.

Be aware of indirect communication.
Be aware of the effects of indirect communication, such as when someone: walks away, shaking his  head because he felt it wasn’t safe to respond; dictates by providing an answer without asking a question; finishes the other person’s sentence; makes more statements with “I” than asking questions with “you.” Unless you review the power of language, you become stuck by giving yourself labels. You might say to yourself, I will fail, or I’m incapable, and this language can paralyze you. You have to be jolted before you initiate internal reflection.

Avoid communication breakdowns.
A breakdown occurs if you are suddenly jolted out of your automatic action—requiring you to assess  your circumstances. Communication breakdowns happen when you don’t think about your words or their lingering effect. Any habitual response is automatic and falls into consistent, unconscious  patterns, such as resorting to a conversation around old stories that keep you stuck in the past. For example, if you say, “I don’t care how you do it, just get it done!” the receiver will likely have an internal breakdown—we all want to feel appreciated and valued for our contribution. You might say, “How do you envision achieving the task?” This keeps passion alive.

Communication breakdowns can also lead to ambiguity—the inability to confront brutal facts and act with conviction to resolve them. Much ambiguity comes from lack of clarity and direction. To avoid ambiguity: Make your choices strong and clear. Confront uncomfortable truths. Act with conviction and resolve. Take responsibility for the role you play and how you communicate with others. Set aside differences, and focus the dialogue on the results. Express your point of view clearly. Be careful of mixed messages, such as telling people to speak up, take a stand, and take risks, yet rewarding playing it safe! Language-induced breakdowns often result from messages being delivered in a command-and-control style—authoritative language that puts others down and makes assumptions. This style comes across as though you are giving orders and won’t listen to questions.

Communicate your expectations clearly. Don’t expect the receiver to know exactly what you expect in the outcome and what you mean. Instead, you need to say directly, “I have expectations that you will do this and that.” Unclear expectations result in wasted time and unnecessary tension. Design conversations that coordinate action, such as requesting someone to stop using words that put you down and cause shame, blame, and diminishing self-esteem. A coordinated action lives in promises, such as “I promise to complete the task by 5 p.m. today.”

Speaking up. Speaking up and clarifying your position is taking appropriate action. Language brings us together and enables us to live together. Problem solving is a dialogue—with yourself or another person. Try being vulnerable by using the word confess. When you don’t have the answer, try saying, “I confess that I don’t know (have) the answer, but I promise that I will get back to you by 11 a.m. tomorrow morning with the answer. Will that work for you?”

Your relationships are defined by the conversations you have or don’t have with the people in your life, and you can determine the quality of your relationships by analyzing the conversation: “How do I create my conversations?” “Do I blame people or circumstances? Do I take responsibility to speak up to air the truth?” Wonder about what the behavior may be and listen for concerns. Wonderment lives in the ability to connect with the essence or core of the other person because of the effect you have on them. What draws you to some people and not others? Much of the pull has to do with the communication connection.

As you alter the language that shapes your choices, you enable transformation. Transformation boils down to effective communication. Think about your language. The words you choose can submerge you into negativity or elevate you to a higher consciousness—and take others with you. That’s the power of language!

Sandra Ford Walston, aka The Courage Expert, is innovator of StuckThinking™ and consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of COURAGE, STUCK, and FACE IT!

 ACTION: Tap into the power of language.